I am currently with boyfriend.
I may have mentioned this, here and there on twitter. I’m honestly trying not to bang on about it with every exhale but it’s news, ok?
My dear friend Liz was getting married in New York and there seemed a fleeting moment that even though this relationship is new THAT I MIGHT HAVE A FUCKING DATE TO HER BIG AMERICAN WEDDING.
But alas, a handful of tricky things meant I DID NOT HAVE A FUCKING DATE TO HER BIG AMERICAN WEDDING. The boyfriend would get a goodie bag and I would get a weekend of, “I can’t believe you came!” and “You came on your own!” and “That’s so brave! I couldn’t do it!”
It would be easy to roll into the public masturbation jokes here but let’s keep it clean people.
I still haven’t quite mastered not having a panic attack whilst being very high in the air encased in metal but things need to be seen, food needs to be eaten/photographed and people keep getting married.
I got on the plane sweatily and sat next to a man in chinos who picked his nose throughout the 8 hour flight. When he grasped a solid he rolled it in a ball between his thumb and his index finger, then flicked it against my bare calf muscle, which it bounced off. I have now lived in the UK for 9 years and therefor said nothing.
I got the shuttle from JFK to Midtown and to my horror Mr. Bouncy Bogey was again sat beside me. I had left my head phones on the plane. I could sense he wanted to acknowledge our fortune at meeting a again so soon. I stared hard out the window.
I dragged my case cross town in the heat and ate donut holes whilst I waited for the Amtrak to Hudson. The train runs right along the river for the whole journey. It’s stunning but I was jet-lagged and surrounded by gorgeous/precocious New York preschoolers. Stunning all the same. It almost feels like your on the river itself.
I got to Hudson and immediately passed out. End day one.
Despite the frequent comments made at me regarding my datelessness, I enjoyed myself immensely. Liz’s wedding – the largest I’ve ever been to was a beautiful event, perfectly organised, except for the bit where I and 15 other guests got on a bus to someone else’s wedding and then had to be driven back into town to be collected.
I can’t exactly fault her for that though, I was one of the first people on the wrong bus who didn’t check to see where we were being taken. I AM GOOD AT TRAVEL.
I’m not going to go into any great detail about the wedding. It was very beautiful, I think that Liz and John make a strong union and I look forward to meeting the family they make together, that will no doubt clamber all over that great barn of theirs.
I’m not going to into any great detail about how awkward and hungover I was at their brunch on Sunday either but know that I was very awkward and very hungover. Most of the comments about me being alone came during this hour. In hindsight they might really have meant, ‘you need a minder so we don’t have to try to talk to you.’
I got back to Manhattan and immediately passed out. End day three.
The following evening I was lucky enough to accidentally see Aziz Ansari perform at the Comedy Cellar in Greenwich Village. I did not wait until the end of the show to email the boyfriend to brag.
What? That’s fine. He wasn’t at all jealous. He got a lot of beef jerky.
If you think that that is any kind of euphemism I cannot look at you.
I spent the rest of the week running in Central Park, taking photos, storing the sunlight I’ve been missing in jars to take home and shopping like a beast. When I wasn’t eating like a beast.
I ❤ NY.