Spray tans remind me of R. Kelly.

I got a spray tan once.

I was 18 at the time and on my way to Cairns to impress a boy whose nickname was ‘Besticle’, like testicle.

I was to be for the week that I had followed him to Cairns, his convenient and part time girlfriend.

He had been sleeping in a van with two other men up until that point. I offered him an opportunity to sleep in a bed in a 2 star motel on a highway, near a beach. I brought a case of beer.

He told me, that he would tell me he loved me only for that week and that I would be his girlfriend only for that week and then I would go back to Sydney and I would not be his girlfriend anymore.

I for some reason thought that this was fine. Technically he broke up with me a week in advance. He was the first person I ever told I loved. I figured I would wear him down.

So before I left for Cairns, I got a spray tan to impress Besticle.

It made me a bit orange. I was worried he wouldn’t fancy me. On the plus side it did make my tummy look a bit like ‘Baby one more time’ era Britney Spears.

The problem with getting a spray tan is that you can’t really wear clothes after it in case the fabric marks your skin. I spent five hours standing in my apartment in the nude after I’d had it done, listening to R. Kelly’s ‘Ignition’, which was very popular at the time.

Besticle did not change his mind at the end of the week.

I don’t know why I have chosen to share this story.

Spray tans remind me of R. Kelly.

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