I have cried in a lot of department stores.

Baby
Baby
Baby
Fat
Fat
Chubby not quite Fat
Fat
Fat
Fat
Fat
Fat
Fat
Really Fat
Really Fat
Chubby not quite Fat
Fat again
Fat
Fat
Lost 25kg
Nearly average
Chubby
Fat
Really Fat
Lost 30kg
Chubby
Chubby
Chubby
Fat
Fat

For the record, this is my body year by year since birth.

My mum put me on my first diet when I was 5 years old. I had a gym membership by the time I was 13. I’ve paid Jenny Craig large sums of money in various countries to try and control my weight. I’m so angry that I feel that I have to explain this to strangers. That I have tried. That I have failed at being what my mother, my peers, my previous lovers thought I should be.

I grew up in Australia for Christ’s sake. You can’t hide your body there. You have to go to the beach. It’s hot. You can’t wear a cardigan all year round. But. I. Did.

A boy I knew growing up said he could never go out with someone who was over weight because cellulite was disgusting.
A girl I was friends with in 8th grade told me the only reason I was goalie of our soccer team was because I took up half the court.
A boy followed me once making sound effects like I was Godzilla crushing the pavement whilst he walked behind me.

I have cried in a lot of department stores.

I made bargains with my mother throughout my life that if I lost weight she would give me large sums of money. I never managed to which is weird because I LOVE MONEY. I don’t blame her, for her generation looks were everything. I was told repeatedly how beautiful I would be if I. Just. Lost. Weight. One of my first boyfriends nicknamed me ‘no tits fat thighs’. AND I LET HIM. A patient in hospital said I could stand to lose a few pounds THREE WEEKS AGO whilst I was nursing her.

Apparently my body is everyone’s business.

I weigh 16 stone right now. For the record. I have lots of self control and determination. Enough to starve myself for periods of up to a year but that made me far more unhappy than being fat does. I’m a size 16/18 depending on how stretchy the material is in my outfit. I ran a 10K last weekend. I am constantly worried as to whether I have more than one chin. I usually exercise between 4 and 6 days a week. If I’m not on a diet, I am planning my next period of calorie restriction. BUT I AM TIRED. I am tired of thinking about this. I am tired of my body being judged. I am tired of everybody’s body being judged.

I am tired of being judged because I am angry about being judged.

Follow @NurseBlurg

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “I have cried in a lot of department stores.

  1. Lots of this made me sad, but the thing I want to celebrate and congratulate you on is that 10k. Wow. I’ve never done that. I’m impressed. You are role modelling a whole lot of great stuff on this blog. Don’t stop!

  2. I totally agree with CJP. 10k? Woohoo! Who really gives a shit about whether or not you are 16 stone, or 6 stone, or 26 stone? Honestly, if you can run 10ks, you’re clearly very fit. And being fit is actually much better for you than being skinny. Tell people that the next time they try to tell you what to put in your body – and if they argue, say “I’m a nurse, I think I know what I’m talking about” and change the subject. And stop dieting. Why put yourself through all that angst, when you end up back where you started – you might as well just eat what you want to eat (as long as it’s not ridiculously unhealthy) if starving yourself isn’t making you what other people say you should be. Be who you are. 🙂

  3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illegitimi_non_carborundum Your body is your own business and nobody else’s. You’re a skilled and funny writer, and from the vignettes you’ve described it sounds as though you have a huge heart too. Those are the important things about you. I won’t tell you to just ignore criticism because that’s impossible. No matter how many time you chant “sticks and stones” the words will still hurt. But consider this: if I, a random internet stranger, have concluded in the space of an hour lurking on your blog that you are an impressive human, surely there are a myriad of people in your life who know you better and are impressed. Love, your newest fan.

  4. Thing is, people are judgemental about all kinds of things. I’m fat, and weigh a bit more than I should (pro dieting tip – develop IBS/or a wheat allergy! See the pounds come off as you curl into a ball bloated never wanting to eat! Err…yeah doctor has no idea what this is, usual test etc.) but as a bloke don’t usually get the comments.

    No, it’s other things:

    Beard – I have a long beard. OI BEARDIE! You muslim? Are you jewish? Etc etc.
    Shorts – not as much as my partner, who gets the ‘why are you wearing shorts?’ All. the. bleeding. time. He wears sandals all weathers too because of his oddly shaped feet. Again, people cannot fathom this.
    Spectacles – ‘4-eyes’ etc
    Hats – used to wear baseball caps, and as well as the ‘why do you want to look like a yank?’ oddness apparently I looked like some football coach because bearded men with baseball caps ALL look the same. He was 70. The Scroobius Pip came along and totally ripped the style. I stopped wearing them.
    Not being smartly dressed / being too smartly dressed
    Going bald, so have the slaphead comments to look forward to.

    Really it never ends…so I learned not to care about the weight, since trying to conform under these constantly changing and arbitrary rules you may as well be you, and if people tell you to lose weight (like the ‘why don’t you shave your beard off’ with me – yeah…) then they are rude fools. Ignore them.

  5. Just reading the title of this resonated with me. As I continued to read, I found myself repeatedly saying, ‘Me too.’ I wanted to thank you for writing this because I’m embarking on a journey to love myself & my size, so that I can be happier & healthier. You’re helping one more woman feel less alone. I’m happy I found your page!

  6. Just reading the title of this resonated with me. As I continued to read, I found myself repeatedly saying, ‘Me too.’ I want to thank you for writing this because I’m also embarking on a journey to self-love so I can be happier and healthier. You’re helping one more woman feel less alone. I’m happy I found your page!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s